It’s Been A While…

I’m adjusting to my new life with/without my son.  After a great 2 weeks in rehab, he met another patient and fell in love.  She is also a recovering heroin addict.  While I think she is smart and lovely and all that stuff, the fact remind, she (and he) are addicts that never completed their “program”.  Her insurance ran out and he wanted to be with her.  They didn’t leave to use, but, well, we all know what happens.

So, I am willing to text and talk to my son when he is sober and not asking for anything.  We told him that when he takes the Vivitrol shot we will be more willing to help him out.  That will show us his commitment to recovery.  My husband left in April to hike to Mt Everest base camp with his best friend.  Prior to his leaving we got the boys together with their girlfriends and had a really nice dinner out.

I’m hoping for more of that.

PS- my husband comes home tomorrow!!!!

 

Hope and Despair…

Those seem to be the most common feelings I have these days.  And I realize that is what loving an addict will do to you.  Every time my son relapses I feel such despair.  Every time he relapses I grieve.  I see my son a happy beautiful little boy, and then I envision him dead in a hotel room with a needle sticking out of his arm.  Every time I grieve for the loss.  Every time.  But then he works his way up from the bottom and gets into detox and rehab.  I try not to feel too hopeful, but I do.  Even optimistic.  

Then he stumbles.  I fall into such despair it can be crippling.  But I’m getting better at it.  I pull on my big girl pants and move on.  I know there is nothing I can do for him.  I certainly won’t give him money or a place to live (been down that road too many times).  But I love him.  Too shut him out of my life would be like losing my right lung.  It would be hard to breathe.  But I am grateful that even though I grieve as if he is dead, he is not, so there is hope.

Now that I am one year plus into this journey, I realized that I am fucked.  This is my new life, and it will never change.  I am a mother first and foremost.  This journey will take many twists and turns, but it will never end.  I’m not longer constantly angry at my son.  It is what it is.

And today, I choose happy.

 

 

Different Day…..

We took our son to a detox facility on Tuesday night, and this time, he sounds so sincere about getting clean!

Until the need to use becomes his everything.

We’ve been down this path many times.  When I talk to him, it is so hard not to sound cynical and discouraging.  I’m always remembering to hold on to hope, but be realistic in my expectations.  This is my life.

Last Friday, I took Son to an MD that can prescribe and administer Vivitrol.  He wants to take this drug that is injected by a physician once a month.  It’s strength is that it won’t allow him to get high if he uses and it curbs cravings.  It’s taken once a month, so there is no remembering a daily dose.  His plan has been to detox (you have to be clean for 7 days) and to go back to the (luxury) sober living house.  Well, he couldn’t get clean on his own, he started sleeping in the park, then called us on Tuesday night to take him to detox, which we were very willing to do.

So, he is there- I saw him today and he seemed reasonably relaxed.  While he is anxious to detox and get out, my husband and I are gently encouraging him to stay and take what ever treatment they offer.  He is on suboxone there, but he can’t take it on the Vivitrol. Iwould want to go to his sober living house too!  It’s a beautiful renovated town home/condo in downtown Denver with beautiful amenities.

But this time, he’s going to have to earn it.

 

 

I Need Some Plastic……..

Surgery.  This life of living with addiction has really taken it’s toll on me.  I have aged so much in the last 18 months.

But God, I love this boy:

Here he is, his senior year of high school, BH- before heroin and drug abuse.

I saw my boy today for coffee and a bagel.  He had been staying with a friend, got kicked out and was living in the park lugging around a green garbage bag with his few possessions.  On Monday we decided to put him up in a cheap hotel for the week.  I’m not sure exactly why we did.  It made us feel better?  It got him from pestering us for a while?  Once in a while he needs to see that life can get better?

And what did I find out today.  He is not ready.  He says he wants to go back to detox, but he needs to use once more.  He’s not ready.

I’m trying to find a way to live with his choices.  I believe he has lost hope….he doesn’t care if he dies, or that he will be living on the streets again in a week.  He says he just doesn’t have the fight in him.  I can’t give him hope- I struggle to hang on to my own hope.

I told him that I love him straight or using.  He can call us when he needs to hear we love him or to touch base with real life. He may not call for money- I will hang up if he asks.  He can call when he is ready for detox (and he has found a place)  and sobriety and we will be there in a flash.

Who knows what the future holds?  Will we hang up?  Will we let our boy live on the streets?

I don’t know, but I love him and I will do whatever it takes to help him with recovery, but I will not help him use.

OOpps I Did It Again…..

Got my hopes up only to get a cold blast of reality.

I just got a call from the Director of the House he is living in, telling me Son is being kicked out of the program for using.

And I knew it.  I saw him briefly last week- I had to go there and drop off a payment.  We went out for lunch but the minute I got back to the House I told his counselor he was using.  I can tell by his complexion-it’s a mess.  It’s always been so perfect- unless he uses.  Then he breaks out and is constantly picking at his face until he gets sores. And his eyes.  And the way he starts blaming me for being a bad mother.

I’m am not angry or disappointed or blaming myself.  Just terribly sad.  The power of addiction is so intense and demanding.  I desperately love my son and my love for him is overwhelming.  I know he doesn’t want to be an addict.  He knows he will be turned out to the streets.  He thinks he smarter than the rest of us.  But heroin is so much stronger than any of us, or even all of us put together.  I see there is no cure.  Ever.  It becomes just a matter of surviving.  For all of us.  FOREVER.  There will never be any relief of even any dreams for my child’s future.  We have to always take it one day at a time.

I’m glad we kept him in the Sober Living facility.  He knows there is a way for him to recover- he just has to reach out and grab it.  But that’s something only Son can do.  Will we pay again?  Probably.  Let’s just hope that he finds the strength to fight back the addiction sooner rather than later.  I will never give up as long as there is hope.  But I know that my happiness has to be exclusive of his journey.  I will love him regardless of his path.

Yes, I have spent a lot of time crying today.  I think that’s normal when you feel such a profound sadness.

If he calls me I will listen and love.

I will not:

• give him money
• bail him out of jail
• provide him with money
• give him shelter
• take any verbal abuse
• give him cigarettes
• give him a phone (how many times do I have to learn THAT lesson?)

What I’ve learned:

I will never again think that “this time it will work”.  I realize its a day to day struggle.

We are fucked.  All of us who love addicts.

But I always hope for a better day.

February 20, 30 days sober and a clear complexion:

 

Wonderful….

Yesterday my son hit the 30 day sober mark so my husband and I brought some of his favorite food to the sober living house and took him out for lunch.  It was so nice!!!  He looks good and seems to feel good.  He is learning how to deal with good days and bad days.  We really enjoyed our time with him! Is he the “Old Son”, the one we used to know?  Not really.  I don’t think he can ever be the same, but he is developing into a new person, with different goals, and that’s ok. But he hasn’t lost his clever sense of humor!  We like this new person that is emerging, and look forward to knowing him better.

I upgraded my phone and we gave him limitted phone service.  He asked for it because he is applying for a job and doesn’t want phone calls being answered “Sober Living House”.  Makes sense, so we decided to give it a try.  All part of giving him 90 days. Having him recover out of the house is so much better for all of us.  We aren’t constantly worried about “hinky” behavior or walking on eggshells.  The decisions he makes are his own.

But it feels good.  I believe he can make it, it’s up to him to decide if he will!

Have I Lost My Mind?????

Yes- I’m certain I have, but it feels so right! For the first time during this whole ordeal, I feel like we are making the right decision.
Hubby and I have decided to keep Alex at this current facility for 3 months. I am coming to realize that 30 days is not enough time for an addict to readjust, repair and recover. The place he is living is more like sober living with counselors available every day. It is a very large town home in the city. The clients can basically come and go as they please. Every time they return to the house, they are drug tested. There are freshly prepared meals. Last week they went snowboarding! Son is getting a taste of what’s out there for him when he is not using. Exercise and movement to get the endorphins popping and keeping him busy. There are one on one counseling sessions and group therapy available everyday- even acupuncture and meditation! Definitely a whole body approach.
We met with Son and the people taking care of him yesterday. The change I saw in Son’s attitude and behavior gives me real hope. I believe he can make it if he puts his mind to it, and accepts the gifts he is being given.
I don’t know if this place will be it for Son. I don’t hold any false hope, because his success depends on him.
But this facility can give him what he needs- he just has to take it!

We decided on 3 months so Son has a sense of security. This way he has a place to live and he can get a job and not worry where he will be in 2 weeks or two months. As you know, living here is out of the question, but I think this facility is much better than what he can get at home!
No matter what happens today, tomorrow or years from now, Son has a real chance.