…I am so much more. I am a wife, a mother, a friend……
For the last 5 years I have identified myself as a parent of an addict. For the last 2+ years I have been in therapy trying to remember who I am and who I should be. And sometimes it’s been ugly, but I have come so far.
How does a parent survive the ups and downs of loving an addict? The hope when he enters rehab and the devastation when he leaves. Trying to hang onto hope each time he gets clean is exhausting. And the utter agony, knowing he is using again.
After being clean for almost 2 years, my beautiful boy relapsed in December. It didn’t happen overnight, it was a gradual process. He began drinking, smoking weed, got some pain meds from the dentist and started shooting up again. One day in January, my husband had a hinky feeling, so he looked through Son’s backpack and found foil, a spoon, needles and heroin. I thought, how am I going to survive this? We kicked him out. I fell to my knees and cried out for God to help me. And He did….
I grew up without any church experience- neither a believer or non- believer. But I was so desperate for some kind of sustained peace- the highs and lows of my son’s addiction were killing me, aging me, making me sick and sucking the happy out of my life. I really did not know how I would survive another round of addiction. I felt so hopeless, but in my darkness, I turned to God. I had such a big hole inside of me. I felt like I was never going to smile or find happiness again. What kind of life would that make for my Beloved and my younger son, whom I adore?
I had to find a way to move forward and I was desperate. I was so broken. I went to church, and as it happened, there was a special program called Celebrate Recovery beginning the next day. It’s a Christ based recovery program based on the AA 12 Step program. This was clearly a sign! So I began attending. Through this Christ based community, God has helped me make my world right. I began this journey to work past being Co-Dependent on my son, and trying to manage something completely out of control. But I’m learning a lot about myself… not all of it so great.
But I know I can’t do it without God. And a lot of prayer. My healing and strength is here, with Him. And past has been forgiven. What a freeing feeling! I live in today, knowing that it is difficult enough, but not worrying about the future. And that feels very good. I am happy again!
My son went back into detox and rehab. Today he is living in a sober living house for the next 90 days. I hope the Holy Spirit works magic in his soul, as it did in mine. I believe the only way my son can fill the hole inside him is with Christ. I found the people, addicts and families, who have survied and flourished for a long time. Son sounds so good. He has recognized that he is an addict, and always will be- but that it no longer defines him. He has embraced his past and will remember it and understand that it has patterned his future. But he will use it as a lesson. And I believe, completely, that he can succeed. He is a determined young man. Whatever the future brings, I have God on my side!
And I love my boy, and I will always be with him.
So here it goes:
He is the way, the truth, and the life. (John 14:6)
I am transformed. Period.